I was born and raised in Southern California. If you would have asked me 5 years ago if I would ever leave I would have told you, "No way in hell." I love it there. It's where my family and friends are, it's what I know, and it's where I met my wife. She was nursing in San Diego when we started dating...she had moved out there from the Philadelphia area. We both love San Diego, and had no intentions of ever leaving...until she got pregnant. I was in the military and was 5 or 6 days into a deployment when she found out we were having a baby. Since I wouldn't be back for a long time...at that time I wasn't even sure I would make it back for the birth...we both felt it was a good idea for her to move back home to Pennsylvania with her parents while I was gone. I ended up getting back in time, I flew out to Pennsylvania for my son's birth, and then my wife and son moved back to California with me. About 9 months later I separated from the military and started school full-time. My wife was a full-time student, as well, and we both worked full-time. Anybody who has any children understands how hard this is to pull off without help...both parents working full-time and going to school full-time. The problem is my parents live in a small town in California where there aren't any universities...so we couldn't move there for them to help us out with our son. So we both made the decision together that we should move to Pennsylvania until we finish school so that we would have that family support that we needed and still be able to work and pursue our educational goals. Now that we have lived here almost 3 years, I am getting the feeling that my wife has no intentions of ever moving back to California. Anytime I try to discuss the future she instantly doesn't want to think about the long-term. She'll say things like, "We just barely moved into our house that we bought. I'm not ready to think about moving again." I'm really starting to feel stuck out here. Leaving my wife and son is not an option and is not a thought that would ever even cross my mind. I love them both so much...and honestly, I am happier living in the Philly area than I would be living back home in California without them...but that doesn't change the fact that I HATE Pennsylvania. I hate it! Am I completely out of line to think that we agreed to move here temporarily and that we should both be planning on moving back to where we started our relationship? If we didn't have our son we would have never left San Diego. My wife loves San Diego, and I hate Philadelphia...so why should we stay out here. I understand that her family and friends are all out here, but mine are out there...I made the sacrifice to move here to finish school, but I would have never agreed to it if I would have known that she would want to stay FOREVER. I get so homesick and miss my friends and family all the time. Sometimes I get in these really depressed moods just thinking about it. To make it worse...my wife's family pretty much just steps all over her and treats her like trash...with the exception of her dad. Most of her friends don't even call her anymore now that she's married and has a kid, and when we invite her friends over to our house they will commit and then just not show up without even calling. It pisses me off so much because all my family and friends would love to see all of us, and I would love to see them...my wife's family and friends can see us whenever they want and just take it for granted and treat her badly. Am I stuck forever? Is it unfair of my to try to pressure her to move back to California when I willingly moved here (even if it was under the pretenses that it was temporary)? What should I do? We bought a house because paying somebody else rent is ridiculous. We did alot of renovations, and when we move we can take our equity with us to put a downpayment on another house...wherever that is. You think I don't say all these things to my wife? She is well aware of how much I don't like living out here, but she won't discuss it...and then she made a comment today about growing old in the house we bought. I'm just looking for a little outside perspective to help gauge if I am out of line here.
Marriage & Divorce - 10 Answers
Random Answers, Critics, Comments, Opinions :
1
What should you DO? I would say you should have some long discussions with your wife instead of getting random advice from strangers over the internet, dude. You should be telling HER all of this stuff, not us. Really. If you're unable to say this stuff out loud for some reason, print out your post and ask her to read it.
2
ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.........huhhh?
3
Why did you buy a house if you intend to leave. I am pretty sure she took that as a sign you would be putting down roots there.
4
Ever heard the expression, "I'll cross that bridge when I come to it"? Well, you're trying to cross it before you come to it. Chillax, dude. She says she doesn't want to think about it right now. So back off. When the time comes, then bring it up. You'll drive yourself crazy getting upset over nothing worrying about this already.
5
just talk to her about this. let her know you really dont want to live there permanently and that it was only temp. ask her about when you guys could move back to ca and take it from there. tell her what you want.
6
If you are truly committed to your wife and kid as you say,and she really, really wants to stay in Philly, then you need to accept that you will stay in Philly for a while. If you accept that you can move on, begin to make new friends, find the great things to do in Philly, etc. You sound stuck in California, and if you accept staying in Philly and embrace it, it will make it better. You can also negotiate with your wife - tell her that you are not happy, and want to return to Cali, and set a timeline, maybe in 5 years if you still hate it, say, that she will agree to move back with you. Set a date that works for you both to bring the issue up again, and then until then embrace the life you have and enjoy it. Fuck her stupid friends, make some new ones that will appreciate you all and that you can have fun with. And go visit California once in a while when you need a boost...
7
Why did you buy a house if you did not plan to live there for a long time? I don't think that it is good for anyone, especially your baby, to be moving back and forth across the country like this. Show your wife this posting. There is nothing you can do. You have to talk to her. If she tries to shut you up, email her with a link to this posting. If she knew how miserable you are, then she would discuss it. I hope that she is not that selfish to ignore your misery. But marriage is about the compromise. Are you sure that she LOVES San Diego? Because right now it seems that she loves Philadelphia more. Someone will have to make a compromise because that's what you do when you love someone. Maybe that person making a compromise is you. But she needs to know.
8
It's not necessarily "unfair" to pressure her to move back, but the fact is that you bought a house in PA that you probably won't be able to sell for a profit anytime soon. Why not suggest to your wife that you'll stay in PA until your child is old enough to go to school. By then the real estate market will hopefully have moved up again and you can sell the house and be able to move back to California. In the meantime, visit California at least twice a year if you can swing it - she shouldn't have a problem with making a compromise. It would be unfair of her not to consider your feelings in the matter, and if you both meet each other half way you should be able to work it out without any hurt feelings.
9
You and your wife need a vacation to San Diego for a couple of weeks. Were it me, that's what I would do.Don't think about leaving her and your son,don't think about moving out there permanently for now,just take it in a couple of times a year. If your budget doesn't support a two-week vacation twice a year, break it up into one week a couple of times a year.Go to all your favorite places. Do the stuff you did when you first met. Just kick back and enjoy it.And do it before the ice thaws. That warm California sun might make her re-consider. And if not,just look forward to the next trip.It's much better than stressing and being homesick. When you're not in San Diego, go out together and have fun. Go dancing,or join an organization that keeps you together.But the main thing,and this cannot be emphasized enough,is to talk.Be open and honest with each other.Love and hold one another, and remember that wherever you and your wife and child are,is home.
10
Even if you did get her to agree to move back, what would that accomplish right now? You'd still have to finish school in Philly before anything happened. Lay off the subject for now and focus on your daily life. When you get closer to graduation you can start bringing up the subject again in terms of job hunting. Since you're stuck there in the meantime why don't you work on finding some friends and hobbies you can enjoy? It's really hard to be in a new area with a young kid because unless you have all sorts of time to devote to finding play groups or hanging out at the park it is difficult to meet other parents and make friends who are willing to work around a kid's schedule. See if your colleges have some sort of club for student parents or look for things like swim lessons where the kids are busy and the parents have time to talk and get to know you. It's amazing what a couple good friends can do for homesickness. I'm not saying you're stuck there forever but it wouldn't hurt to try to enjoy your time now so you can at least break out of the depression. Hopefully by the time school is over the two of you will have come to a decision on where to live.
